My Second Chance To Living

On this date 13th May 2020 (exactly a year ago), I joined a meditation group session designed to help people break out from their habitual self limiting perspectives and to focus in manifesting their future. This was organized by Cordelia & Ket, the meditation teachers I have been following since 5th February 2012. It was the start of the evolution of the Elena you know today.

I remembered sitting down on the floor on 15th May 2020 crying. Two days since the meditation session began. It was the very day everything became overbearingly harsh for me to even keep going. My eyes red from the tears as my heart got crushed into a million pieces - not by a lover but by the people around me.

It feels so distant to me now. Yet, at that time... I knew it would have just taken one more hit for me to end my life. The only reason I held through was because I didn't want to believe that there's so little meaning to my life's journey. I couldn't accept that life have nothing to offer apart from pain. It was just not fair.

My family with my late mother's living siblings

On 24th July 2019, my beautiful mum passed away. I remembered getting the call at 7pm and it was the very day my life turned 180 degrees around. I stopped my business, I didn't dare to have a job that requires me to be in office and I was left walking aimlessly half the time as I had a family to look after - a grandmother that couldn't walk, her helper that at that point was needed to be changed due to her visa, a father and two brothers that I wasn't sure would be able to handle everything without a woman figure in the house. I wasn't ready but I felt it was my responsibility; a responsibility that led to a load of resentment and hatred as everything I tried doing felt as if it meant nothing. I hated it. I loathed it. And by 13th May, I wanted things to truly end. My thoughts then, "Maybe it's better if I'm not alive. I mean nothing to anyone anyways."

The dark is an easy route. One that makes things comfortable in a way. Blame everything, anything, anyone. Complain as desired. Nothing will ever be enough. But when things escalates - suicide will seem to be the answer. I mean... there's no more worries. I no longer needed to pick anything up isn't it?

Truthfully, that's the most selfish thought and action one could ever consider. Myself included. I lived in such a self-absorbed world then and it really eats me up. I got tired of even fighting for my life or what I believed in. But the last call was that very day when I had to make a choice - to find a way to die OR to find a way out. I was at my limit and another day living this way was impossible.

So, I prayed. I prayed a similar prayer I did in end of 2016 when my world was almost the same. This time, my prayers was "Save me. I'll do anything. Anything. I mean it. I'll give my all. Just please, give me 1 second of happiness. Let me experience happiness even if it is for a second. I'll be the Light that is needed. Just please, give me this one second. Let me remember it. I promise this time I'll live it."

And so... I took steps to fight for this 1 second of happiness. This 1 second includes being able to have a day of sleep with no nightmares. This 1 second includes a moment without judgement. This 1 second includes a moment to breathe without the need to worry about 5 minutes later.

It became a daily decision and a daily action. I started meditating everyday for almost 12 hours a day. If I wake up from a nightmare, I would sit on my meditation cushion and meditate until I'm calm again. It didn't matter what time it was - I rather have 2 hours of undisrupted sleep than 3 hours of sleep where I felt dreadful. I would meditate when I wake up every morning, squeeze time in the afternoon for another round and one before I sleep. Just so that I will be able to experience this 1 second of happiness.

It's been a year now. Life have been extremely kind to me. I experienced more than I ever had hoped for. Everyday is different. It's unique and it's special. There are still its ups and downs - but each day comes with hope that a difference can be made in my life.

I started Hantu Is Cooking. My food business that began to remember my mum's legacy. Yet it have shifted in ways words couldn't describe. I began owning it and keeping to the values I wanted to believe in - that Happiness can be felt when we live in the moment. Food brings people together and it gives us a moment to be grateful for the combustion of flavours that dances in our mouth.

The KrazyArtisan In Action

Along with this came my Blessed Art under Tuhan Is Cooking, and my involvement with Beyond Artisan. To spice things up, we worked in collaboration with KrazyliCious and The KrazyArtisan Team was formed. More infomation about this can be found here. AND finally, I also became the emcee for WIEN Group official bazaars.

I wouldn't have believed that any of these were possible. Yet, each day life seems to surprise me with the different activities, projects and journeys it can offer. It took one huge decision and daily actions to love myself and to be a better version of myself than yesterday. There are nobody I'm competing with apart from doing my daily best to be the best version of myself - a person of values.

Samples of Blessed Art

What do you really want in your life? How will you get there?

For me, this second chance have taught me that if I lose everything I have now, I will be okay. I will no longer be resentful or spiteful. I'll start afresh as I did a year ago. I'll be grateful as I have more than I could ever asked for. Today marks the day I took the first step towards the Second Chance in Life I have now.